I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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