i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Found your dick twin last night
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
