I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
