Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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