i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
