I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
