i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
