C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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