The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
