So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i need some magic done to my vagina
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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