Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
People in love make me want to vomit
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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