It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
