I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
