you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
