His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
