Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
