Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
