at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just invented taco cereal.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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