i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
