He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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