he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
