My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
