i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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