i would punch a child for taco bell
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
