hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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