If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
