We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
