my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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