we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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