Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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