I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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