Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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