i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
