Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
