Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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