the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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