I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
