Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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