she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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