I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
