our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
