I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
