I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
