Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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