I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You need a sexual gate keeper
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Randomize
