The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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