2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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