Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
