you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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