There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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