I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just pynch a tree in the face
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
